I hate myself so much right now. I don't want to live. I am so self centered, but every time I try to be better I ruin everything. I am not good at anything. I am not good at my job, I only stress my boss out. I hate myself. Why can't I do anything right?
So I find myself incapable of thinking of anyone else, desperate for attention, hating my mom for not noticing my pain and trying to do something about it. Every time I tell her she just tells me to do something. She never does anything. She never lifts a finger to cheer me or go out of her way. She seems to think even though I live with her, that I'm capable of handling this. I don't know what to do. I was a puddle on the floor. I hide my breakdowns because she doesn't help when I tell her about them. She didn't help me find a therapist last time, even though she said she would. She said she'd do everything. I did everything because I thought I was gonna hurt myself. I was so scared.
But I didn't stick with it and nobody not even my own mother will make me do it. I feel so alone. I didn't trust my therapist. I hate myself. I have no friends because of this. I have no skills. I can't go on.
I thought I could survive, but surviving isn't good enough. I have to love something. I love nothing.