Thank you for taking the time and energy to write and respond. It's appreciated.

I've done all the safety planning I can do. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the whole trauma story beginning. Yes, there's a lot of PTSD reactions in my head right now. There's a lot of grief and loss and mourning. I told my therapist that about 99% of the time, I know what happened that night wasn't my fault. I get that now. But the day still represents losing absolutely everything I had known about this world, safety, people, friends, and family. So the day still has great power over me. I don't fear it happening again... but I do mourn for the person I was before rape. And almost laugh at the cruel irony that the first person to believe my story was this guy... who was kind for a month before turning into the single most violent, harmful, narcissistic and possibly anti-social creature I've ever been around. The one that offered protection hurt me and broke me past the point of repair. Or so I thought. I'm still trying to pick up the pieces... and I won't give up. I can't.

I've got a busy, full day at work for distraction. I'm leaving town tomorrow for a fun weekend away. I don't want to be anywhere close to the college campus where it happened (15 min from where I live now). I have a new friend in my life who is going with me on the trip and who knows NOTHING about this. I'm grateful for that. Conversation will stay in present-day, 2014. Weekend activities include all sorts of adventure and fun. I'll be home on Sunday in time for my home-group meeting of EDA.

I'm trying to remember that this was also the beginning of a career path committed to helping others and social justice for victims of violence. There are positives here. I can keep my thoughts positive and make plans for a brighter future.

The unspoken part of this is that I've barely eaten today with zero appetite. Zero interest in eating anything at all. I'll make myself eat tomorrow because i'm driving 4 hours after work. The other unspoken is the paralyzing sadness that creeps in when I sit still for too long. I came very close to being in a nasty car accident on the way into work this morning. I swerved to miss the pick-up truck in my lane and honked... he swerved back to his side of the road. I wasn't even shaken up... just that fleeting thought "oh, I almost died. Hunh" and kept going. That's the part that scares me.

I can do all the healthy coping skills in the world. Talk to friends, distract with those who don't understand, play the piano, draw, paint, sculpt, play video games, watch cheery television, watch sad shows so i can cry, journal, play computer games, go for a hike, sit in the sun, meditate, read a book... but nothing is working to get past this incredible, almost impenetrable sadness. All that stuff distracts in the moment... gets me through... but doesn't heal. Doesn't resolve anything.

I miss being the person that loved her life... that more than survived, who thrived. I miss being happy, joyous and free. I want to believe it's possible to be that person again. It just feels so... insanely far away.

So yeah, tomorrow is the day. Friday, October 10. I hate this day of the year.