I havent made many posts lately because for the last month I've had a turbulent struggle inside. I shared something painful for the first time. At the same time I have felt disconnected from my T. She often says im pusshing her away.. I don't know what to do. I feel defeated. I wish I could just ask her to care about me but its so unreasonable. I wish she would come sit beside me on the coach instead of across from me. I wish instead of doing somatic exercises and examining my physical distress, she would just hold my hand and feel my pain. Why can't she just give me a hug so I can finally shed a tear in session. Why can't she be the mom I never had? Its such a frustration for me.... b/c she represents that inaccessible love in the same way my mom was inaccessible. I wanted her to love me so much but she kept drawing away. This week I asked to terminate sessions because my transference is getting too much for me. I was to the point of being suicdidal and the only way i could feel better is to know I didnt have to go to session again. But yet she wants to have a session about that. Im nervous.... I wish it could work out but feel it won't .. T's just not allowed to care to that extent.