I know I've been silent for a while before I posted this. things were going okay for me. this whole thing gave me some perspective. I thought my life can actually be better. this is the thing. I didn't think that for a long time before. and I am not getting so mad because of losing this contact but losing my hope that came with it. it was something important for me. it was something that would give me a good feeling and some optimism when everything else was going wrong or just felt horrible. so now this is gone.
it's like I am losing my strategy how to be okay. sure this is stupid. I know. it's not the guy. it's the perspective that something good can happen that I am missing. so now I got some more bad news. I was rejected at an application. It's nothing special. like my first story is nothing special either. but it is taking all my energy away, all my motivation, hope for the future. I'm back in my lonely room expecting nothing good to ever come here. and I am certainly right.