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Hi Pearl I am not going to lecture nor condem you. I think from what I read you feel bad enough. As you are unhappy and know this is a dead end for you maybe it is best to seek a therapist to help you end this affair. To help you find what need it may be filling and fill it with something more positive
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The optimist sees the glass of water as half full, the pessimist sees the glass of water as half empty, the pragmatist drink the water because they are thirsty
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