I am so sorry. You have lost a lot in your life and have much to grieve for. Be proud that you have survived the last 10 years. I'm so glad that you have found this site, and hope you find some comfort in knowing that others care - even though its in cyberspace!! Have you considered therapy. Maybe that could be the first step in your path to healing? You can become "unstuck', and find joy again in your life. Take it from one who knows!! Please PM me any time if you want to. Hope to see or hear from you again.