This is a really good thread, ECHOES. I am learning a lot from everyone. Sister, I really related to what you wrote about the core feeling of denial: "being rebuked and silenced and devalued so in essence the self is denied." Yep, I've sure had that.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
When I am feeling less depressed the deconnection is not so desparate

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
SG, I feel there is some reversal of this for me, that is, when I feel disconnected, that is when I get depressed, and reconnecting helps me shed depression. I have ZERO connection in my marriage and never have, and after many years of that, I was depressed. I have connected profoundly and somewhat joyously with my current therapist, and voila, depression gone. Sure I used CBT methods with my first counselor and managed to improve my depression a bit, but the connection with my current T "cured" me almost instantly. We talked about that together and my T understands completely and is not surprised at all. He is a master at connection and I think has seen this before. (See below--my siggy--that's him.)

Right now, I am able to feel connected to my T outside of therapy. Because of therapy, I also have become able to connect with others in my life so much better: my sisters, my oldest daughter, and even my mother. Seriously, my mother is a root problem for me, but because of my experiencing connection in therapy, I have been able to connect with her now as an adult, in ways I never have before. These moments of connection with her, after all these years, floor me. Sometimes my T and I will have a "bad" session, defined really by a lack of connection. This will throw me into depression. It has taken me a while to realize that link. I am trying to learn to accept the times of disconnection with T as normal. It's hard to be connected with anyone 100% of the time. And those times of disconnection can deepen the feeling of connection when I am able to reestablish it subsequently. Like a joyous coming home.