Thanks for the encouragement.....greatly appreciated, and much needed. Yes, big step for me to go to a doc - now I just have to make myself go. & you're absolutely right - I do need to think about & write down what I want to talk about, before the appointment. It's gonna be a big enough battle to actually walk in, then another battle to talk of things, and my priorities for doing so could easily get lost in the mix of establishing myself as a new patient.

As for work....having a heck of a time not letting myself quit. Employer is maxing me out on days and hours (5-6 days, max hours 29 per week, will NEVER get beyond that, with this employer.) - which SHOULD be a good thing, but in my current state, isn't. Having all kinds of fights (in my head only) with them over it. What I THINK is a workable compromise is, getting them to cut my days. Weeks where I get only 3 to 4 days seem much more bearable than 5 to 6 days. Have pretty much resolved that if they won't agree to the cut.....then my days there will end.

And then I start thinking I'm self-sabotaging, and letting myself make poor decisions that are more hurtful than helpful, and there I go circling again!

~sigh~ Ok, am doing what I can to battle the depression, it's an old acquaintance that I'm well familiar fighting. I need help with the anxiety and pain....and that means going to the doc....have all ready exhausted other options. IF I manage to get help there, with that (big IF but I'm trying, darn it) - THEN I really do think I can handle the job more easily, or at least think of it more clearly, and maybe accept more days and hours.

Can't quite reach to being proud of myself for working, tho. Or for knocking the socks off my co-workers / bosses on being such a damned GOOD employee. My achievements don't impress me much.....thank you, depression, for stealing that from me.

Will keep the pain forum in mind, thanks for pointing it out. Not ready to fight that battle yet....but do want to eventually look for alternatives to pain pills- the LAST thing I need is to get addicted to those devils!