I have been trying to do and tell what I want so I will get it and not worry so much about reasons why I should keep myself from doing that. I've been especially concerned with what other people may think or want. until now I felt like it was at least partly successful. I experienced mostly positive reactions by others.

right now I feel so reminded of the many times in my life I liked somebody and I ended up being a pathetic women running after some guy, asking for their company and getting rejected. this sounds a lot less awkward than it actually is.

I picture myself like that. this is my part. the woman nobody wants to be with. it's hard to replace this idea by something else. for a couple of years I've just been avoiding any kind of situation that would lead to this scenario. but it didn't make me very happy either.
the urge to withdraw and vanish forever instead of trying again and playing the same stupid part again and again is sort of strong right now.
I am writing this in the depression forum because this is what I want to talk about. it's not about relationships but about how I can keep myself optimistic about my life. not going back where I was coming from. I really want to learn how to deal with **** that happens in life instead of avoiding it, existing in complete isolation.
I haven't had that feeling for a while that I want to stop everything, freeze everything, close my eyes, cover my ears, lie down and stop thinking. I do now. I need to find myself a little something to hold on to so I keep going. I've been using writing in this forum for that purpose a lot and it helps if I don't know what to do. but then there is a limit to that too so I have to find another distraction.
this is what I am doing: I am moving along different distractions. now this one is gone, like many other ones before. I have to find something quickly!