My T wants to see me twice a week, but it's not possible. My insurance will only approve once a week, and I cannot afford to pay out-of-pocket for the extra one. And even the once a week we're fighting the insurance for more of.

But at least she makes herself fairly available to me. The first time we talked yesterday, she was driving to work. Last night when she was talking to me, she was driving home from the store. She can't be there 100%, but she really does go above and beyond for me. Like last night, she saw that I called. Instead of listening to the vm, she called me back asap because she knew if I called it was extremely important. She even emailed me this morning checking up on me.

Sometimes I wish I had a little therapy doll that I could carry around and when I pushed the button it would be my T's encouraging words. Though I know that the point of therapy is to learn to say those words to myself.

I don't view my life as valuable. I actually view myself as a waste. A waste of intelligence, empathy, and skill. People tell me all the time how much potential I have. That I could be a doctor, lawyer, architect, teacher, counselor. They tell me I could sell my arts and crafts. But instead of using all this supposed potential to give back to the world, I'm trapped here in my own mind.

I know people care about me and depend on me, but I also know they would leave me in a instant. They are more important to me than I am to them. It's always been that way.

I do apologize if I hurt or affect any of you negatively. That is not my intention at all.