An almost unbearable week, but I got through it even though every conscious second hurt and quite a few of the unconscious seconds too. I have a weekend of waiting ahead, dreading Monday morning, dreading Monday afternoon even more.

Worse even than having my CBT therapist drop me is the thought that on Monday my GP will tell me that no other service will take me on. I keep thinking over and over that eventually there must be some help, but then I think of the unequivocal rejections I've had so far and all I can go on is past experience.

Every time I try to accept that I'm on my own with this (I know you are here for me, I mean medically on my own) the anxiety rises, the tears overwhelm me, I get angry but I'm too tired to fight, I want to physically beat myself. I fight so hard not to raise my hand to myself, then I wish I were dead, but that can't be, I'm needed here in this world and so the cycle starts again the anxiety rises....................on and on and on.