I used to have similar problems when I was young. What happened with the guy is unimportant, plus the baring your soul to your coworkers. They understood, and you'd been drinking, so you can always do a "wow. I get so emotional when I drink, whew!" kind of thing. Or anyway you want to play it down, if that's even necessary. I do understand how you feel. The important thing is the pattern of guys turning off when you turn on and vice versa. What are the reasons you may believe you don't deserve a good relationship? Low self esteem is really hard to get past, so that's why I suggested living selfishly for awhile.