Getting really tired of my current life. It seems like nothing ever changes, every day is like the last. It's gotten cloudy again, which doesn't help my mood. Parents are drinking, which is giving me all this anxiety. I expect them to start fighting at any time. I need a change, but I don't know how to make it happen by myself. I have no support IRL, can't get a therapist or meds. I basically have nothing and it's making me hopelessly frustrated and sad. I feel like giving up more and more. I'm tired of people telling me things will get better. When? When will things get ****ing better?? Things have been bad for so long and nothing has improved. In fact, it's more like things have gotten worse and are continuing to get worse. I wake up every day with nothing at all to look forward to. I have no friends and nowhere to go. People say I should be grateful to just be alive, but I am not. Just living isn't enough. I feel so trapped in my life. I'm old enough now, I could get my own job, save up for an apartment and get the **** out of this house, but there are no jobs here. Well, there's fast food of course, but we all know a person can't live on that. So I am stuck here for who knows how long. I'm trying to figure out how I'll get through a whole winter like this.

I'm at a point where suicide is on my mind a lot. I know saying this a lot of people will want to give me the usual responses that don't help. "Things will get better eventually." "Hang in there, something will turn up." "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." "Think of all the people you'd hurt if you left." And so on. But I don't see why I should stay here when I'm only merely existing and have nothing to offer this world. I'm losing my capacity to care. This isn't to say I'm actively making plans or anything. I do have what I guess might be considered a plan, but I'm a ***** and would probably never go through with it because I'm scared of pain and afraid I would survive it. I really don't think I want to die, I'm just incredibly sick of living this way and there is literally no way out. I don't expect anyone to give me some miracle answer that will fix everything and make me see life in a new light. I really don't know why I'm posting this. I feel like I'm beyond help. Like I've already said, I can't get therapy or meds, and I am basically on my own as far as support goes...I don't know...I guess I'm hopeless. That's the way I feel.