I am starting to feel tired as I used to feel. I hate it, I don't want to step Jack.
I think it's because of my usual trigger, the one I can link to every phase of my life I got worse...social trigger...trying to comunicate when I am very shy and insecure (and maybe avoident) and the much longer I talk the most anxious I get. At first I am OK, but the little insecurities all together make me feel bad at the end.
For many reasons my social life makes me feel sad, anxious, unwanted, uncaple of anything. In the end I AM sure I am not supose to have a rewarding social life and that my personality, my abilities, my illness will never let me thrive in social life, what brings me down.

And I wonder once again, how mentaly hill people can date?
I can't, I never could, and I don't have the capacities needed for that. There are somedays I am almost not capable of having a conversation. I was a dreamer, a romantic dreamer and this thought hurts me as well.
Even I know I would get bored with the obligation of having to date someone, even I know I would have sometimes to pretend I liked him whenever my fealings would vanish (which they do). And I am certain I would at some point forget about his existence, wich is terrible...

I suffer with the instability of not having someone realy close at school, so I have to be constantly making myself to people I am not confortsble with. It's terrifying, I feel so insecure.