Hello all,

I'm a new member here. I essentially joined out of sheer exasperation with what is going on in my head and my heart. I'm around 30 years old and going through massive depression and anxiety at the moment, or at least, the worst episode I have dealt with in my life.

Basically I walk around feeling like I have a great big hole inside of me. Massive. I feel like I've finally gotten to the stage where I can't cover it up anymore. Alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, relationships, porn... All of these things I've used to try and make myself feel better. I'm in a relationship now and all I want to do is run. I've given up alcohol and all the rest, and basically feel worse than ever.

I hate myself. This is really killer. Every time I meet someone, see a post of theirs on FB, talk with someone, look at someone... My mind runs through all the ways that they are better than me, that I am a pathetic loser who has wasted his time here on planet Earth. Even the smallest reminder that other people have lives shows me the myriad ways in which mine is deficient. I can't concentrate on anything, because everything makes me feel pathetic.

I don't get this either - I speak a few foreign languages fluently, I have masters degrees, I've travelled a lot... But everything I do seems to be of no value at all. Everything I do is tainted by my perfectionism - I can't stand the idea of doing anything, because nothing is ever good enough.

The only time I'm feeling OK is when I meditate - the physical pain and anguish doesn't go away, but at least that pleasant 'floaty' feeling makes it all bearable for a while or so. Other than that, it's just me and my ****** brain, all day long.

I've never seriously considered suicide as an actual option, but in the last few days my brain has been suggesting a jump off a bridge. This is starting to get a little scary. I've also been coming home from work just to cry uncontrollably and then go to sleep. Life sucks at this moment.

I've made the decision to leave my relationship, which is going to break my partner's heart, but all of this is just ridiculous. I don't even want to be with myself, let alone another person. They have no real idea about how I'm feeling, but are trying to help - which makes it feel all the worse for some reason.

I have basically no friends or family where I live, and spend a lot of time browsing pointless crap on the internet.

What is wrong with me?

But. The question is: If you've ever made the transition from hating to liking yourself, how the hell did you do it? I'll try anything at this stage, because I feel I've run completely out of options. I can't hack this anymore.