Echoes,

I have been pondering this post all day. Moving forward is a current theme I am grappling with as well. I am finishing my Masters degree this summer and should be diligently looking for a job and putting myself out there. But I retreat, literally, to the corner of my room where my comfy chair is and where I can sit and talk to you guys on my laptop. i feel so safe here (safety = another big issue). Hmmmm I even went to the library today to work and decided it was too stuffy there so I came back home and here I am back in my room again.

I have a full and busy life. I am married and have 3 sons, 25, 21, and 13. So I am very busy. But i have hid behind my role as a mother for a long time. When my 2 oldest sons were young I worked in business and stayed home when the youngest was born. There was always that pull to be at home and protect my kids and myself! I really don't know who I am outside of this role.

I realize now that the way I accomplished so much was by splitting myself into different people so to speak. Not necessarily multiple personalities but distinctly different parts of me. When I stayed at home, I became a different person completely than the working mother was. I have moved from role to role over the years without acknowledging myself becaues I don't really know who I am. So, although I looked like I was just doing it all, I was not all there and now I am not all here.

Serious illness with 2 of my children catapulted me into the therapy I am in now, and everyday is a struggle to participate in the human race. I have a very difficult time maintaining friendships, etc. And as far as famly gatherings are concerned, let me tell you that although i participate in holidays, etc. I do not really enjoy them. I always wake up feeling ill on Christmas and Easter and if it weren't for my children I would probably stay home in bed and watch movies all day.

So, why am i going on and on and on......I guess your post touched me in a deep and meaningful way. Although I have achievements, I paid a huge price for them. I think we're back to that connection theme again. Either we are connected or we are safe but not both.

Oh, Echoes, the grass is always greener on the other side, isn't it?

Peace, love and Woodstock.