Quote:
Originally Posted by hamster-bamster
This guy is a service provider to you. That the service is free does not change the nature of the relationship that much. If, when you are older and dealing with auto mechanics, you get a rude one, you would most likely NOT feel awkward asking his supervisor for a replacement.
So a very helpful train of thought for you to engage in would be exploring what makes you feel awkward as if you were offending this guy. Since you are already a consumer of counselling services, the issue you have identified - feeling awkward, being afraid to offend, not feeling entitled to fair and courteous treatment, feeling a sense of responsibility towards the guy (think about it - a person who has been having suicidal feelings for 4 months wants or at least feels obligated to protect the vulnerable psyche of the rude and insensitive hotline staffer... isn't it a rolled eyes moment, that you are trying to protect HIM??) - all of those would sooner or later come into play as you receive therapy, so this kind of feeling of obligation towards the hotline staffer may translate, eventually, into not getting what you need from counseling, because you would be protecting the feelings of your counselors.
Another obvious red flag in your post is the duration of your studying. If you study for 14 hours every day, you are either not sleeping enough or not exercising / getting time outdoors enough, or both, plus, possibly, not having enough social interactions outside of the structured setting of school. All of those deficiencies - sleep deprivation, sedentary lifestyle, etc. - can and do cause depression. Therefore, that the staffer told you to study even MORE is ridiculously, outrageously stupid.
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I have issues sticking up for myself though it's gotten better. In primary school I antagonised a lot of people because my mother was so aggressive it made me extremely foul-tempered too. Then in secondary school I had a complete reversal and was
really afraid of pissing others off, even if it made me a doormat. I guess I felt like I shouldn't be rude to these operators who get nothing in return for their contribution, even though I do realise it's pretty much illogical. You're right about the therapy part too - I am constantly evaluating my T's feelings and being on my toes about whether she actually secretly dislikes/is bored with me. This leads to a lot of apologising on my part and asking her whether I annoy her.
14 h sounds like a lot but it's in fact nothing outstanding among my peers. Like I've mentioned, 'A' Levels begin in 20 days and I am unprepared despite all this intense studying. It's antithetical that my grades aren't satisfactory even though I spend so much time, and I can thank this untimely depression for that.
I told this to the operator and he replied, "If you're not happy with your results then work harder and get better ones. You'll be happier." which is as though he completely skipped over whatever I've described.