Sometimes its both, sometimes one or the other. I hate my mother because I hate myself and she's the person who made me this way. Or I hate my mother because I feel she hasn't loved me for myself ever since I developed opinions that differ from hers. Or I hate myself and force myself to forgive her for everything, for her repressed anger growing up, her denial of her past when she had panic attacks and anxiety, her refusal to help me in certain ways.
I have to qualify this and say: I make my mom out to be far worse than she actually is. I live with her, she works to support me, she supported my artistic side, got me into reading and cooking.
That said, I have always been the third, fourth, fifth wheel in her life (with my two brothers in the picture), and now she's happily partnered and living her life and believes I'm self sufficient emotionally so that we don't really have to work on our relationship. So, I resent her and I think she condescends to me. Probably the only temporary solution will be for me to move out and be economically independent until she can respect me as an individual.
I know this hatred towards her, this anger is misplaced, and it comes out of frustration with my depression, my social fears and lack, therefore, of a social life etc... I just want her to see me sometimes, and I think that I've been around so long that she's just used to not seeing me. I feel like I have to shout to be heard (which is ironic, as deafness runs in our family).
I've had enough breakdowns to know that nothing I do will make her wake up and decide to do something different with me. Actually, the only thing she changed was when I specifically asked her to hug me if I was crying rather than sit coldly across the room. She really hugged me the last time I cried. I almost couldn't believe it.
Should I ask for more? Do I even deserve more? She's always been pretty fragile emotionally... she takes it personally when us kids are miserable...