even when i binge...i hate food....even if i am fullfilling my bodies needs ...my mind is programmed to think i need no food....i just dont know why i am sooooooooooo fat .....and you know what...its gotten to the point where i dont care anymore...i dont care about hiding it...ever get tired of hiding it?? Its like someone offers me food and im all out of excuses so i say..im on a diet....which is true...and yea they look at me wierd like...dear God if your on a diet than i need to go get some miracle work done...i dont care...its to the point where i say to my boyfriend...no i dont want to eat....im SICK of being SICK ...im SICK of lieing...im SICK of starving...and yet i love it ....for some reason when i starve and my stomach grumbles...it makes me feel alive....you know??? I am real and have real feelings...im not dead...not yet.....and so to remind myself ...i let myself feel the extreme to feel ...because otherwise....if i am sort of normal...or just slightly hungry...i dont know how im feeling..im numb....or i dont trust my feelings....if i hear my stomach grumble...and i am to the point where id kill for a celery stalk .....and my body is aching and tired...i finally know i cant be making it up.....