thank you so much...

I didn't know I was going to end up with couples. I wanted to meet one friend and he brought more friends. and also it happens to me a lot that I think some guy is interesting and interested because they act like it and it turns out they have a girlfriend. maybe I misinterpret everything all the time. just when they really want to talk to me all the time and make a lot of eye contact I think they might like me. but I am always wrong.

I have many acquaintances but no real friends. most of the time it doesn't bother me. but sometimes I feel lonely and I don't know who I can talk to. there is nobody I can talk to about my private problems.
thank god I am not into drugs…

I have a passion I peruse and it's my work. and all these drinking people are connected to it. there is no space for other things. it's a real dilemma.
although writing seems like an interesting idea. maybe I can fit in some time for that. I do exercise. started it because of depression and it helps a little.

I am willing to try anything. but feel nothing is happening, nothing is improving although I am trying to do everything right. there is no "right way" for me to go. it's tricky. I have to figure out what's good and what's not.
for example I think drinking is a bad idea. but meeting people is a good one. so if it only comes together I have to decide.
I want to peruse my passion because it's giving some purpose to my life and I want nothing else but it's also killing me because it's so hard and I am struggling so bad because I am not sure if I am good enough compared to my colleagues. so much competition. it's so hard to keep going.

you're right, if I could get myself some self-esteem these problems may go away. but I don't know how if I am failing all the time.