all the dark thoughts that I'd been fighting are coming back. I can watch myself judging everything more and more negatively. what if it stays like this for the rest of my life? what if for me the only way to have company is to get drunk with some strangers? I don't even like to get drunk that much. I feel really bad about it. but I don't know how to meet people without. why is it that I am not with friends? I don't have anyone who I meet regularly. I wonder why.
what if I will never have any real friends? those that I made before didn't seem to last. what if I cannot meet a partner, ever? I went out with a small group yesterday and all of them were in relationships. all of them!
what if I tried all my possibilities and I am just too old and ****ed up. I think I just missed all my chances. I wasted my life. I wasted my potential on some insane unlikely dream. I could have done anything, I could have studied something else and be in a good job now and have some academic achievements and be recognized. but instead I am getting drunk and hope that something stupid happens to me on my way so I never get home.