My Mama killed herself just recently. She was a happy, go lucky, mother to many, popular lady and my best friend.

She had an extremely difficult & abusive life & up bringing but was so proud & strong & independent now (seemingly) with a wealth of knowledge to share with all.

We loved every second we spent together, shopping, baking, talking **** and just laughing.
One morning I woke up strangely early , even before Dad left for work. I stumbled out into the lounge and had this strange pull towards the orchard outside. I can't explain it. I went outside and it hit me... there was my best friend, loving mother, greatest hero & inspiration... strung up on a once tall proud tree. Having given up on everything, her family, her child, her friends, her husband, everything she stood for.

This is the first time I have spoken about this ever... no one will talk about her. No one in the family & all my friends afraid to bring it up.

Now I feel completely broken & numb... I don't even know how to think or what to do. I have not cried since the day, which I cannot understand. It has been like this for months and I'm getting desperate. I can't accept her death, in fact it is easier to pretend she never even existed.. it seems to be what everyone else is doing. I miss my best friend, I miss having a Mum around to ask advice. I would give everything up in a second to be with her. Even though I love my Dad to the moon & back... it's not the same.
it's like I'm living in a state of paralysis. Everything I do is going in a downward spiral. I wish I could think of her, even just glimpses of memories... but they make me feel physically sick so i block them out straight away. The only memory I have is of that morning. I wish I could think of her and tell her I am sorry I did not help her more. I should have been there for her.

I wish I could be strong like her, but I cannot. I feel she has had an influence on my decisions and now her actions are becoming an option for me too. It's getting scary.

I am not very good at writing or expressing feelings... I was just wondering if this is normal? Or if this pain will pass... people have said it will get easier, but I have waited & tried and it is only getting worse & more unbearable... to now the breaking point. I do not wish to burden anyone with my thoughts or feelings, but I would love some advice.

Thank you all for reading my post, I really appreciate your time.
Hugs,
Lily

RIP Mummy xxx Always on my mind <3