I recently lost my Mum to suicide. She was my best friend & we spent a lot of time together. I was the one who found her in our family home.

I have never really spoken about it to anyone as it hurts far too much & is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I can't really put into words the pain it has caused, though I am sure anyone who has had similar can imagine.

I've been having the same dreams for a year now since she died.
The first is re living the moment I found her... and the folllwing days, over and over again.

The second dream, which is more significant...
I get out of bed in the morning and go through to the kitchen to make breakfast. When I walk in... Mum is just standing there. This sense of joy overcomes me and I begin crying and smiling saying "where have u been, i don't understand" And she cuts in and just says"I'm back from Holiday... I forgot to tell you I went away!" . We forgive & forget straight away. In fact, I don't even care one bit that she has been gone and for the pain she has caused... because all that matters is she is back.In the dream I always go through ringing all the people I had to call when Mum died...but this time im delivering the exciting news "Mum isn't dead! she was just joking... she was on holiday!! ."

I wake up suddenyl, the happiest I have ever been, and sometimes I get up to find mum and tell her about my "funny dream"... and than it hits me. She's not here... she never will be again. It begins to hurt so much I block it out and go back to pretending she never existed in the first place. Usually go bac to sleep and the same happens.

I don't really understand dreams, but they are very tiring and hurtful... reliving it all over again. I guess it makes up for not facing reality during the day time?

Thank you for reading my post
Love,
Lily xox