Hello you people,

I was actually planning on writing a longer thread about all the things I've struggled with in my life which made me the person I am right now, but I'll leave it at this short thread first.
My self-confidence has really shrunk the past three years and as a result I've dealt with some social anxiety issues. This, however, has led me to smoke marihuana for half a year but I quit because I realized that it made my situation worse (intrusive thoughts, paranoia.)

Anyway, two weeks ago, I was sitting in a park with two friends at around 10:30 PM.All of us had the feeling that we we were being watched. I wanted to go but we kept sitting there. After a while two men came to us and one suddenly pulled out a gun, pointing at us. We were "asked" to hand out our cell phones. Since I didn't have a cell phone with me, I was bashed in the face because they didn't believe me. I eventually had to give them my purse. It was really a shock for all the three of us, we've never experienced a mugging before. We went to the police, I blocked my cards etc.

My friends have apparently come to terms with the incident, but I just can't. I used to walk outside alone at 4AM sometimes, and never has something like that happened to me. And now, I am just paranoid most of the time when it's dark and I'm outside, even during the daytime. I don't feel safe anymore. I'm beginning to obsess on this incident and even look up crime rates and stuff or imagine mugging situations and how I would react. It's really hard for me because even before that incident, I didn't feel quite safe because people can tell that I am not self-confident and this made my self-confidence go to zero. I believe that I'm therefore an easy target for criminals, if you will. I wanted to go to NYC by myself next year but I'm scared now. Last week, I had thoughts similar to psychosis. Again, I felt really paranoid although I was with a girl friend of mine. Suddenly thoughts like: This is a plot against me. The devil or whoever (something evil) won't stop till I mess up my life. He wants me to die. First the intrusive thoughts, the depression, the social anxiety and now the mugging ? Something must be wrong. I quickly realized, though, that this "devil" I was thinking about was my marihuana abuse and that my thoughts are not real.
However, it's evident that I'm having a hard time right now. I don't know where to go. And I wish I could just turn back time not trying to sopve my problems with drugs.
I don't even know what to ask. I just wanted to share my feelings

Kind regards

musicandsoul