Quote:
Originally Posted by dark_sweetie
I am going to talk with her about it in a few days.. I hope. I stupidly always change when I go into the session. Blah.
I agree. I think the problem is I am very troubled yet I present an image that is very composed. I can fake being someone's mother, easily, and really seem like I feel all those things. But the bond that I create is hollow and my personal life continues to feel desperately hollow.
A common theme with therapists is "why are you here--what can I help you with? You're intimidating me because I'm jealous of how together you seem, yet you are asking me for help."
But it's all an act that I have learned and repeated for survival. Which makes it so hard to reveal the truth.
I have been abused by a T before and I wanted this one to be different. In many ways I know that she is... But there's also the part of me that just wants to repeat. To give and sacrifice endlessly... it is so enticing. I don't know whether this T would let that happen or not. I want to say she wouldn't. But at the same time, the real issues keep finding a way to disappear, never really talked about, even when I bring them up repeatedly.
But I think something in other people can't process that I'm hurt, I'm alone and needy, if I don't act like it. I'm trying to feel my real feelings lately I just don't know how to communicate them.
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Whoa, I could have written this...
As for changing. I know exactly what you mean, I've been there. I say print out your posts here and bring them with you. Even if you don't show them to her, you'll have a 'cheat-sheet', so to speak. I tried bringing my journal to use as a cheat sheet with previous T, it was working reasonably well, but then she choose to pull a snowflake act on me (she was horrified when I later called it a snowflake act btw, she was all
my snowflake act?!, and of course I took the blame...)
and I didn't dare try to share me feelings anymore. So, I guess I'm trying to say, if your T is not receptive to your efforts to share what you're feeling behind the urge to take care of her, run.
And jealosy? Sometimes I could just feel that radiating off of her. I once loosely, and entirely accidentally, compared her to a friend of mine who is good to my children and she practically turned green. She would often make nasty little stinging comments when she was feeling particularly jealous or threatened.
I remember one session where I was trying to explain what you say when you feel like other people can't seem to process that you're hurting and need help. She gave all indication of being highly offended and practically called me a liar.
Worst thing is, all the nasty sarcastic remarks she used on me, she claimed that I used them on her.
I still haven't managed to explain to T those words were hers. I think he still thinks that I actually said some of that stuff.
Sorry for the rant, I get so angry whenever this stuff comes up.