I'm almost 50, I've always had ups and downs. I've been evaluated many times, been in a few therapies that lasted years and still again even with all the nice copping skills, the insight, the experience it keeps happening over and over. I've seen doctors, psychiatrists, talked my heart out, acted out, cried, regretted, and so on..but this still creeps up on me and I'm really fed up of feeling all these emotions, of not being able to reason myself, of having tantrums when I know it's good for notting..mostly of having a deep down feeling that sometimes I just can't control my emotion up or down and I always pay the price and my loved ones also. this mental illness helps me be productive and creative in my highs, than I become a monster, than I wish I was a little tiny moth ball and hide until it's all better but it's never better it just starts all over again. I don't even know when I'm just in a normal stage in my cycle or phases or whatever. Today I have been crabby and I've put a toll on my partner and my daughter..it's hard on them. But you know what its also really hard on me because one minute I want to disappear, ne next I just want someone to hold me and say everything will be better. I wish so many things, simple things and no one will be able to give it to me because I scare the **** out of them..but in fact I'm scarred and angry at myself for being this way. When I'm felling this way I would just like to die because it's too hard for myself and those around me. I tell myself they will miss the good me but finally be rid of the ****** me..I tell myself..I don't want to die cause I love them and some times in my cycles thing are nice and normal..but it is really getting to me..it's just getting harder and harder to motivate myself cause I'm stuck with these cycles for the rest of my life and it will not change..it never has. But I'm a big coward fact is I'm so afraid of dying..what if its worst after..Right now if I could afford it not just financially but emotionally , I would leave my job, and find a good excuse to go far away until I feel better so this way I would not hurt anybody aside from myself and that would be easier to live with..at least when I would come back I'd be the normal me and would not have to explain why I am this way..but that is not realistic..so I'll take my meds and hope I get through this without to much damage. How to excuse my lousy behaviour when I'm having so much time coping with it. I'm going to bed best thing to do now