Your pain is palpable and I am so sorry you feel this way. Sometimes I do too, like now when life crap is making me miserable and there doesn't seem to be any way out of it except either go through it or die. I don't want to die. I want the pain to go away. But as you know, it's not that easy.

I'm older too (almost 56) and I wonder how many more years are left to deal with this stupid illness. But as bitter as life has become for me in many ways, I still count my blessings because that's all I have to hang onto. It sounds like you have loved ones too, and no matter how bad things may look at a given time, they would NOT be better off without you! It also sounds like you know that, so hold onto them through the bad times when running away or dying seems like a solution.

Have you seen a doctor recently? Are you taking any meds? I should think an adjustment is in order with these persistent feelings of sadness and your frequent mood swings. Please try again if you're not getting therapy or meds.....the very next thing you try could be the magic bullet. You never know.

Of course, you can always vent here, too. None of us are doctors and we can't give you medical advice, but we listen pretty well.

Welcome to PC. We're glad you're here!