dear lily, i am so sorry about the loss of your mama, especially as it was sudden and unexpected and a suicide. i cannot imagine the pain you are going through. i wish people would talk to you about it. it is not healthy not to talk about it but i guess it is just too painful for them right now.

i think you are so perceptive to understand that you are probably not crying because you don't want to acknowledge that your mama is really gone. as for feeling you should have been there for her more, your mama did not seem to have given any indication she was depressed so you could not have known she was feeling so bad. she probably wanted to protect you from her pain. i don't think you could have done anything even if you had known. as you mentioned she had such an abusive childhood, the scars were just too deep. you were the bright light in her life and her reason for living. i know she would never have left you if her pain had not gotten so unbearable.

as for your grief, there is no timetable. although i did not lose my mother to suicide, i am still dealing with her passing and it has been 6 years now. and many on pc have lost loved ones to suicide so they will understand what you are going through. i also hope you will be able to find a grief counselor so they can help you sort out all your feelings. anyways, please post as often as you need to. wishing you all the best.