Thank you for your replies xo
It is always calming to know there is support.

I am also sorry for your losses TerryL, no matter the reason. It is the worst pain, but I guess losing a parent is a shared pain almost everyone has to go through

In response to the support system in the Netherlands- there isn't alot. I feel I have exhausted options. I had seen a grief counselor after Mum passed, but the sessions did not work out well at all. I just shut off.
Also saw a regular counselor, but I could not speak to her either. I have not been able to open up to any of them really.