I completely understand. I've been dealing with depression my whole life (I'm 40 now) and I'm really now just getting serious about getting help for it. This is the first time I've sat down with my therapist and told her almost everything that's happened in my life. I say almost because there's just a few things that I just couldn't even make myself speak the words. They just wouldn't seem to come out of my mouth. I tried to tell my husband yesterday, just to see if I could take the first step in beginning the healing process with these particular issues, but I just don't even know how to say the words. So, I understand how you feel. It's an impossible situation. To look into the mirror, and hate the person that is staring back at you. To feel no joy in your life. To feel like you're completely alone in the world. I feel like this also. Medication had helped me some, but I think the real help will only come from within me. I have to do the work, and I have to want to fix it. I don't think I've really wanted to fix it before now. I think that I was too busy being swallowed up by guilt, and disgust, and a bunch of other emotions that I shouldn't have felt, because those don't belong to me. They belong to the people that hurt me. You need to decide whether you are finally ready to put in the work to get yourself to a better place, or stay exactly where you are now. You don't deserve to be in this position though, you deserve to be happy. Tell yourself that, and believe it. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY! And so do I. So, let's get ourselves happy, because it's aboutique damn time, isn't it? Now, I'm not going to lie to you, it's not going to be easy, and it's not going to happen overnight. You're going to have to really work hard with a therapist (you need to find a really great one) and let all those emotions out, and don't hold anything back! My therapist is a therapist that deals with patients with chronic pain, so she uses some different techniques. She teaches you some meditation, so you can learn how to control the pain without drugs when the pain is really bad. And she makes you a cd to use at home. I think that would be helpful for you if you can find a therapist that does the same kind of techniques. Look under pain management therapist. Hopefully this was somewhat helpful to you. Anytime you want to talk, I'm here for you Be well, friend.