I've been thinking about this more and realized I feel mostly overwhelmed by things I am supposed to do. even I do them because of something I want to achieve. and it makes me procrastinate.
all the time I feel like I am in a hurry and something bad will happen if I don't do things in time, quickly and perfectly. so I shut down and do nothing at all, remaining in paralysis or get distracted, rather than start my work because if I will this feeling of being overwhelmed is coming back and I get lost in despair and hopelessness.

when I went to school I hated it. but after I came home it was only my own time. I could do things I like. now there is nothing like that. I like my work but I don't feel I have enough time to enjoy it. I always have to hurry. if I had time or felt like I have time maybe I'd be a lot better at what I do!
I would like to get this feeling back that I can spend my time on a single thing that I do thoroughly and enjoy it. I think everyone can tell if somebody likes to do what they do. and if not people stay away.