Talking about it can be really scary and unnerving. I'm sorry it's so difficult right now. I can relate. I recently told t something and my head is all in a panic over it, so much so that I wrote asking her if I was having a psychotic break, and kinda just begging her to tell me I was (because somehow that would be easier than this).
I agree with your statement there about him still having the power as long as you ate silenced about it...
it wasn't your fault.