Quote:
Originally Posted by JustShakey
Whoa, I could have written this...
As for changing. I know exactly what you mean, I've been there. I say print out your posts here and bring them with you. Even if you don't show them to her, you'll have a 'cheat-sheet', so to speak. I tried bringing my journal to use as a cheat sheet with previous T, it was working reasonably well, but then she choose to pull a snowflake act on me (she was horrified when I later called it a snowflake act btw, she was all my snowflake act?!, and of course I took the blame...)
and I didn't dare try to share me feelings anymore. So, I guess I'm trying to say, if your T is not receptive to your efforts to share what you're feeling behind the urge to take care of her, run.
And jealosy? Sometimes I could just feel that radiating off of her. I once loosely, and entirely accidentally, compared her to a friend of mine who is good to my children and she practically turned green. She would often make nasty little stinging comments when she was feeling particularly jealous or threatened.
I remember one session where I was trying to explain what you say when you feel like other people can't seem to process that you're hurting and need help. She gave all indication of being highly offended and practically called me a liar.
Worst thing is, all the nasty sarcastic remarks she used on me, she claimed that I used them on her.
I still haven't managed to explain to T those words were hers. I think he still thinks that I actually said some of that stuff.
Sorry for the rant, I get so angry whenever this stuff comes up.
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No no, you're okay.
It's good to be able to vent. And i identified with a lot of your feelings...
Cheat sheet: definitely. That has helped, though I still end up losing something in translation. I think the problem is that these things are novel to T in the moment and she asks for more in specific ways that I haven't prepared to answer. I always find myself having to give up on explaining something and I hate that. Because these are important thigs i need her to understand to keep us on the right track. It's just not all there when I'm with T. I can't say it right.
Fortunately this T has never been nasty with me. The only way she shows stress is becoming overly picky/stubborn and maybe venting a lot of assumptions in the form of questions.
Actually what you said about nastiness reminds me of ex abusive T. She would always find these ways to belittle me and act like i shouldn't be having a problem at all. She especially could not reconcicle having problems with seeming okay on the outside--I think she had habitually repressed her own problems. It just started becoming more and more personal and sexualized as her frustration built up. Oh yeah, and I totally know what you mean about calling you a liar. She constantly did that and it came from a place of such anger, it was shocking.
And that was a big thing, and I said it made it harder to trust Ts after that experience, but current T barely wanted to spend five minutes talking about it with me... I don't get it. =/ She hates talking about other Ts. She is a good, responsible T by normal standards, actually I have been impressed by her overall, but we always lose our train of thought (/treatment) and keep coming back to this wordless place, then we come out of it with different behaviors and boundaries and now she's so candid compared to before, and the more she is the more i want to give and give when I know I'm supposed to be taking. She used to take care of my feelings so much, now I hardly even talk about them because it feels like a waste of our hour. I hate that I wanted it to be this way, cuz we're definitely losing sight of something that goes a lot deeper than whether or not I'm coping badly on the surface. And it's getting hard to last btwn sessions cause in general I just don't even know what my life is about anymore....
I feel like maybe she's so used to dealing with squeaky wheels that this one that is too broken to even squeak is being idealized.
But, i can't run, I have nothing and nobody to run to anymore. :c I have let myself be so used in life that there's really nothing genuine left to fight for. it's really sad.