I'm fked up.I have had a comprehensive reply in my mind,and I was fked up by parents and it's gone.and Can't even maintein the pesistive waiting as you concluded as i am also alienated in the outside.I have no good experiences and memory in store to hold on to and to retreat to when dealing with bad from the outside when i left home.I've been seeking help for quite a while,My family forbid me from counselling and I have to post it on internet,but no one has gone through that far to what I've experienced and the thoughts extracted from it.I've gone deeper and aheader and got ungeard with now society.I know it is crazy to ask this way,but be it,would you come to china to stay a while with me,my mom has an apartment in another province far from this home.just some positive experiences needed to get back on feet.