It's hard to have the patience to put up with someone, who most likely will leave you. 9/10 times, what keeps me motivated the 1% but even when they show up you realize you didn't get what you wanted, but too content of what you do have. So you continue to be hating yourself.

I freaking have pain in my chest all the time, and panic attacks screaming inside,

"don't hurt me, don't try to be my friend try to half be in my life at your leisure, I'm not a rec center. Girls are the biggest culprit for this with me, it's being a guy that ruins it."

I shouldn't have to try hard for **** for a girl, I really shouldn't, I am avoiding people. I hope to become asexual, so I can continue to push them away. Very very far away. I'm in a very bad mood, more angry.

It hurts so much, no matter if I talk to them or avoid them. It doesn't matter if they want to be around me or not, I don't want them near me, because I'm not who I want to be you won't be my friend, I'm different from all the ignorant guys who you can have your will for. I don't like you, because you value stupidity as intelligence and sexy. I find you very sickly and daft minded, it makes me want to throw up trying to punch myself in the face and stomach to burn those "butterflys" I dreadfully have.

Love makes me sick, literally. I have thrown up from it, I have been beaten up emotionally. I'm like, done so done. I keep reminding myself when I have feelings and when I'm hurting from having feelings, I just ignore it. I either scream it out, and trying self harm by beating myself till I'm bruised badly or having a major migraine, because I can't stand having feelings.

That vulnerability is all I have left, I don't anyone in my life to take it. No one has or will ever take my breath away and if they did, they were never interested in me to begin with or want to be my friend. It's the idea how this works is why I find it foolish and stupid and a waste of time that only people who have the looks and other silly superficiality they'll get far.

I had someone at work, really get on my nerves, even if he was joking.. it was an awful conversation I was just replying and ignoring. He was so stupid, " He's like get with any girls, I just got a girlfriend wanna see?" I said, sure on what he wanted to show me, I said, "cool" I didn't reply on the get any girls, except, "no" he then said, what gets on my nerves, "well you didn't have a good night, I get p..... all the time from my girlfriend." I'm still pissed off from before, I say, "great." unimpressed, he kept believing that getting laid means your manly and people like you if you do that.

It got on my nerves, because it was ignorant and how he was pushing himself on me. I don't know why girls like that, being pushed around like that. Girls get put off, I know because I don't want them to talk to me, but I wasn't like this before. I wasn't shy nor over doing it, I just put them off, because I talk to much on accident when they don't say anything, I don't care if they do. I'm used to talking to nobody and myself all the time to cope on my loneliness in public or at home.

He also said, this what really got me so annoyed after I said, "I don't have to date girls to get laid." He said the dumbest thing in the world, I knew he was messing with me, because no one could be that so stupid to believe that, "well that's because you have no respect for women." I then challenged him in a sarcastic tone, "so what you're saying is, I have to go up to a random girl and be her friend for so much BS I have to go through be her friend then bf shortly. Then get laid?" he then said, "yeah thats about right."

I'm like wtf, I mean he isn't a bad dude, but damn. I have more respect than he would, because I don't go around breaking girls hearts, trying to push them in my life as their boyfriend to have all the sex I want then move on. That **** happened to me, I don't do that to other people.

If I want to have sex with someone, I'm going to have sex with someone period. If it's consensual.

I really got so pissed, deep down, because I know even if I do that. I have no hope, people my age believe honesty will get you screwed so everyone lies to each other even me all the time. I call them out, mostly girls, which most I don't blame them on their reason and other people, I can't excuse it. It's the same reasons universally for guys and girls, they both lie to get something they want without getting screwed over or hurting someones feelings.

Then they get all stupid, and turn into a ****. It happens all the time, I don't give people a benefit of the doubt, because most people don't ever deserve mercy or grace from me. I'm going to drop them as a friend, girlfriend who cares really quick. I won't talk to them and push them very far away. It doesn't help me overall, because I give up on relationships now, because they are never worth the effort being put in. It will drive you mad and make you want to kill yourself, because you aren't emotionally satisfied you just bringing people in to try and kill off what ever is left in your identity.

Seriously I can't stress enough, it may not be like that for you, but I'm saying this from my experience for me. It doesn't have to apply to you.

Like now, I've been having a cold chill pain in my chest and back from this stress migraines, because I'm suppressing and holding back the grief, just to prepare the next journey of hell I have to walk across. I'm sick of being treated as I'm not worth feeling anything or being a person. I feel like a dog, I don't feel like a human. So I'm fed up. I'm beyond...beyond fed up.

If you really think I should care, I don't. It's so I feel better that I helped someone, not that I really care about them. This is how this ugly world turned me too, in it's exposure of ground zero. I really on care, on rare occasions when I feel validated and feel like a person and my needs are met with strangers. I mean someone would say something really nice to me, and I would be very happy on what they said legitimately and not force the conversation to end quickly with superficial crap that all people miss when I talk to them.

I'll never meet a girl, who is on my sexual kink level with the type of friendship I've always wanted. That close connection with music, the skill, the appreciation of life around them and the happiness that can omit from their self like I can. I never met one girl who really isn't overly insecure or too stuck up in their own *** everyone has to kiss it just to be her friend. I never met a girl who truly respects herself and others. Just only one or the other. I never met out of all the people I've met a girl, who really does understand me when they say they do which that's an obvious one. Of course no one can be like another person. So I settle on the good and bad I like. I've not met a girl, who wanted to come to see me unless we dated like over 6 months after playing games from her end that got me stressed.

I never met a girl who is professional business wise nor street smart more street ignorant with some smarts like everyone else. I never met a girl who is fun to be around and likes to play pranks on me, and knows it's funny even if it might piss me off. I never had a girl look at me like a boyfriend or even just a friend, just a toy to being used. I never met a girl, who is good at sex, but brags she is. I never met a girl who is blunt and honest with me first thing and makes games intentionally to frustrate me instead. I never met a girl, who I felt comfortable around. I never been around any girl who stayed or put up with me as a person.

I feel like a problem, I do what I can to fix, but even if I hold it together keep it positive and be myself. I'm always 2nd to last. No matter how many achievements, no matter how many things that put me out, I'm not good enough to them. So I only have myself to be good to myself, because I have nothing to share and no one is worthy to share, based on how I'm being treated by people.

I dread of my friend trying to hook me up. I'm like really really terrified I'm going to get a girl whose going to try to murder me. The last girl could of. I don't trust, beauty in all forms. I stand up for the lies it wrought and spill its guts on the floor to expose people to make sure they don't belong in my life.