I have no idea what to say, to truly help you, but I do wish that my empathy and compassion might give you something. I recently lost my grandmother and it affected me much more than I'd imagined and the grief does come back at times, but in the end I can think positively, for she was suffering a lot from physical problems.

I hope that you will find something to inspire you and carry it with you always, to help you win the battle in days to come.