EV, here's an exerpt from my journal; it may resonate for you. I am copying it because I saw you posted in the dep. forum (hosp. for suic.)

. So lost. I can’t develop this connect with MN. I am so afraid to ask for what I want cuz I fear she will say shoo and I hate myself for wanting something so specific, a specific kind of response. Though that is what I find helpful. But FL so rejected it it made me feel damaged goods. I must be bad for wanting something so bad.