i was all over the place in session yesterday.

i haven't been taking my medication regularly. i admitted to him that the medication has become another thing for me to play around with, and be impuslive with. i take it. i stop taking it. i take less than i should. i increase it. i stop again.

my moods normally cycle quite rapidly. so yesterday i was a bit manic. i'm in his office, and i am having lots of trouble focusing. jumping topics, talking fast. realized that it was also in an attempt to avoid having to feel anything about.... anything. i was very irritable and was yelling at everyone on the road on the way to therapy-- couldn't deal with other drivers. within 2 minutes of the session starting, i informed him that i was pissed of at him. for what, i don't even know. then i was off onto something else...

he was concerned of the irregularity of how i take my meds. he told me... wouldn't it be alright if i could just regulate myself on the meds enough so that i could even out my moods a bit... and allow myself to have some focus. to be able to come in, and really focus on what i want to talk about. he said that he understands that the idea of focusing intently on difficult topics can be scary.

i really liked how he put that. it wasn't a lecture on why it's dangerous to play around with your meds, or why it's important to take them regularly. it was the perfect thing to say. i told him so. towards the end of the session, i told him that he had said something that really struck me; that it was fabulous. he joked, "lemme get my pen and paper so i can write this one down." i told him that what he said about the meds was real good-- that i would even let him use it on other clients if he wanted to, lol.

i told him all about the boundaries. how he needed to set some or else i wouldn't come near them. it's too overwhelming when there are no boundaries. related it to growing up with my mother. everything was a bother. don't want to bother him. he commented that he thought it was a very good insight to reach. begged him to set a boundary. he laughed and said, "fine. you can't call my voicemail after 10." so i said, "10... pm?" and he laughed harder. we both did because we both know they aren't real boundaries. i asked him, "well what are you going to do if i break the boundary and call after 10 pm?" he looked and me and i gave the answer he was probably waiting for.... that i might just have to try it out to see what will happen.

i told him how i wanted to create a crisis so that i'd have a reason to call. he said... wouldn't it be better if you called beforehand to avoid a potential crisis? true. then i asked... but what if there is no impending crisis and i just want to talk with you? he asked if i feel a need to check in. i said yes-- because i have no object constancy. when i sat down on friday, the first thing i said to him was.. "you're still here." he asked... where did you think i would go? i don't know, i said. i just thought you weren't here anymore. he said... don't you think it's okay to leave a short message to ease that disconnection? or you can leave a long message. ahhhhhh, too overwhelming again. i need boundaries. short message, long message, call anytime. too much.

we talked about how much i hate being in the gray area. how i need to live in extremes; black and white. how calling him represents gray to me. i either have to cross boundaries or strictly adhere to boundaries. since there are none, that leaves me in the middle, so i prefer to strictly adhere to the ones i make up.

i told him how taking my meds or "getting better" places me in the gray area. a disconnect. not me. i told him i worry so much because despite all of my ****, i do like myself. i mean, i like my intellect. my creativity. the art that stems from what goes on inside. i told him that if took my meds and evened out, i might become an ameoba. if i got better, i would lose myself. i am so uncomfortable with the idea of gray. t and i have this joke also serves as a powerful analogy for me. i always say to him, "i don't want to watch reality TV." this is my code for, "i am afraid i am going to lose the depth of who i am." i told him on friday that i didn't want to end up watching lots of reality TV. at this point he said.... "i really have to end the session, but i want to tell you.... (and then he did that leaning forward thing, and his voice got all powerful).... that reality TV is not gray." basically, he was saying that if i stabilize on my meds, and i enter more of a 'gray' area, that isn't going to mean that i am going to lose the depth of who i am. he went on to say, "that will never take away from the uniqueness of who you are. if you allow yourself to stabilize, you will be able to focus.... and perhaps you will emerge even more unique than you are now."

at that point, i wanted to jump in his lap. i told him to screw the prior thing about the meds being the best thing he ever said. i told him that this overrides it by a million. that it was the most fabulous thing he ever said to me.

it definitely helped to ease the last part of the session because i was getting really anxious at the separation that was about to take place... the idea that i wouldn't see him again for a whole week.

he said that he wants to talk more about this whole notion of not wanting to get better, not wanted to be "gray" because it's not me. i told him that we have to start out next session by talking about this, no matter what. i told him if he wasn't gonna set any boundaries, then i would have to, lol. as soon as i left the room, i looked at the clock-- he had let me stay for an hour and five minutes.

i miss him.

maybe i'll write something in letter form. maybe that will help me stay connected better than plain journaling. almost like a session. because i wanna tell him stuff. maybe i can read him parts of the letter next week.

my journey.