Just needed to see blood this morning. Simple as that. Minor injuries, easily covered with bandaids. Talked with the girls though. Had a meeting for work. Think I should up my husbands life insurance policy. That way if he buries us in debt and he dies I am not left with the bill. Will ease the tension a little. It is all so stupid though. We have a home, we are well fed, we can still pay the bills and here I am cutting on myself. Doesn't make sense. I feel like a whiner. But I know it is deeper then that. It is being decieved that I can't stand. I can deal with bills. I can deal with going without. It is being disregarded that is sending me over the edge. It makes me feel like nothing. He cooked me dinner and did the the dishes. He is a wonderful man in all ways except for one. He loves me and never intends to hurt me. But my BPD brain wants to hang on to the fact that he ignored me, that he hurt me therefore he isn't worth pig excriment. I should leave him, my brain screams, I should run. But I can't live without him, I need him, I want him. I will die if I am not with him. There is grey. No person is perfect. I know this, I try to grasp on to the knowlege of him just being human and having a fault but BPD doesn't want me to see it. I fight and I struggle to hang onto my training, to do the steps to alter the distorted thinking, to come back into the grey. This morning I gave up. I just needed to see blood so that I could...I don't even know why. I just needed to see it.
Carrie

<font color=blue>If you have two dollars, spend one on bread and the other on flowers. The bread will feed your body and the flowers will feed your soul."--Arabic Saying