I don't think I am likable. thanks for saying that, though. what I said about the guy was really mean and arrogant. it's not fitting for me to think that about anyone.
actually I started to feel good about myself- like I was interesting and attractive. I never actually felt that way before. I don't now.
I realize I was just being arrogant.

there is actually so much weird about me I don't know how anyone could ever like me.
but I don't know if I should like anybody myself. mostly I try not to because it's only bad. if I like people too much they are scared and stay away. if I like them a little it doesn't matter but we're not getting close. if I like them in a contradictory way it seems to be bad, too.

sometimes I like myself being odd. and I like other people who are odd in their own way. I think it is attractive.
but also I know that it is a reason for people not to be attracted to me. I hope I can find another weird person some time who accepts me. but if I think someone is weird it is already a reason not to be friends or anything.

today it happened again I talked intensely to guys with girlfriends. I didn't specifically look for them!
I think they come and talk to me and are very nice to me because I am not a girl to them but neutral or something.

...I really don't know how much longer I want to keep doing this...

go out there, have some meaningless delusions about myself being accepted, or being able to do anything which is not completely ridiculous.
there is neither a job for a person like me nor a place in society nor any sympathy by anyone who realizes what I am like. I am just pretending all the time. but I don't know how long I can maintain this illusion for myself and anyone else.