I want to fall apart so badly and yet I want to believe everything will be ok at the same time.
I mentioned earlier that my T has had to reschedule or cancel several times and that is ok, but still hard on me with the mess I have going in my head. I have appts schedule twice a week and I have been having a very hard couple of weeks and had a HORRIBLE weekend two weekends ago. He had to reschedule that Monday for Wednesday and that he would be on vacation on the Friday appointment time. I fell apart at work when he sent the text because I had barely gotten myself through the weekend telling myself I would go on Monday. I did send him a text in response to the change telling him I was about to lose it. He did respond telling me to hang in there and we were setting up an appt to get meds the following week (which is now tomorrow). I did see him on Wednesday and talked about a little bit and got the appt schedule to see this doctor but I didn't know details.
I wasn't worried about the details because I had my regular appt on Monday and figured I would find out then. Monday afternoon he text and had to reschedule for Wednesday. Again, I want him to feel able to make changes where needed but it does still hurt. I sent him a text back asking about how to get to the doctor. It is in a small town I don't know anything about and he gave me a couple of places it was around and said he was going to send me the address when he got back to the office (I assumed today since the appointment is tomorrow morning). I never heard from him.
Of course many of you know where my mind is now. This isn't the first time he was going to text me info and didn't. The difference in this and the appointment changes is that this CONFIRMS that he doesn't give me a single thought outside of our appointment time or he would have had an 'auh ha' moment that would have reminded him to send me the info if he did. It is just hard to wish I mattered and to be getting so dependent on him and know that I don't matter at all. He has said he 'cares' before when I said that it is hard to not have anyone care, but that was in the first few appointments and of course you do truly 'care' about someone after just meeting them. So I have known that was theraputic kindness or whatever you want to call it. I guess I was just hoping maybe now there would be some level of care.
I have no intention of changing things or even mentioning this, outside of figuring out how to get to the appointment tomorrow (I have googled the landmarks and figure I will go around what he said and see if I can watch for his car as he said he transports some of his clients there... I am guessing ones that can't drive since that wasn't an offer to me and he is transporting from the town I live in to the town the clinic is in).

Sorry all, I just have to have a pitty party. There is nothing like getting confirmations so many of us test for. I want so bad for things to be different and I think I was hoping this might be the time. I can't just 'find another T' as some will say. He was the only person I have ever felt I could trust and have already told things to that I NEVER plan to say again.

If I ever found out he read these and heard how I felt, I don't think I could ever step foot inside his office again.