no, no. I was the most charming person I can possibly be. not in an intimidating way, still relaxed. I genuinely liked myself when we met and I had a genuinely good attitude towards him and the whole world. I started to feel really good about myself then. that's why i wrote that earlier. I thought I was an interesting person then. and I felt good about all the things I am now ashamed of. I felt comfortable that I didn't have the impression the guy was perfect either.
sometimes I feel I look horrible and I only imagine myself to look good and sometimes it is the other way around.
I cannot tell though. I change my mind about this.

I didn't make any obvious mistake. we talked during the whole night. neither of us planned to stay out long. and I had a good feeling.
I know there doesn't need to be a reason. it's like the lottery or something.

everything is just getting too exhausting and I don't want to continue. everything is useless and I want it to stop and not play this game anymore. this is so exhausting it already drained all of my willpower. I don't know how I managed earlier to lift myself up and try and try again and to feel good about anything.

I meet my T today but don't know anything I would like to talk about. I don't want to tell her that whole story. I am just sick of myself and everything. it makes me sick being with myself. I just want to sleep.