So two days after writing that ridiculous letter I feel like quitting. I don't want to go to therapy, Tuesday feels like a month away. What's the point if I keep going round and round and round in circles, repeating the same patterns, not letting anyone within the walls I have built up around me, under the guise of personal space. Pushing pushing pushing everyone away from me, wanting to change everyone else instead of myself because I feel like a hopeless case.

Two days ago I missed him now I am afraid to face him. I am worried I will be blank, that it's not worth continuing because I am not making progress, that he will think I am an exhausting drain.

I think about the time he told me that he thinks I don't always tell him what I need to tell him. (about a month ago) What the hell does that mean? I fell right into it at the time and told about some SI, but who knows if that's even what he meant? I find myself thinking about thngs he has said in the past and wonder if they are relevant now. Like, "Sister, you have to take care of yourself." or "Sister, are we connected?" or "Aren't we talking about shame?"

Maybe this is just the anxiety that builds up before or maybe I need to get a grip.