I'm not sure where to place this post.

So, this week in therapy I was really triggered whilst me and my T were discussing how I feel about myself. The majority of the time I'm disgusted by myself. After a tiring night of rituals yesterday (I have OCD), I've decided to post on here to see ifI can gain some clarity.

In short, I think I may have been abused as a young child. I am however not sure of this and just wanted to know whether the things I've experience/feeling are consistent with this and if so whether I should mention it to my T. I'm only a month into therapy with her and am not sure whether it's directly relevant, as she's treating me for ptsd related to bullying.

These are the reason I think I may have been abused:
* Lots of comments from close family members hinting that whilst my parents were away others may have done things.
*When I reached puberty I realised that my hymen was not intact.
*I find penetration really painful because I can't stop myself tensing up.
*After I orgasm I feel disgusted with myself.
*In order to even get to orgasm I have to do the most horrible things to myself in my head.
*All of me feels disgusting. I feel tainted and dirty and gross.
*Surely if I was abused (penetrated) as a child I'd remember that???

Could there be another reason for me to feel this way about myself?

I can never prove the abuse so should I stop obsessing? Is it even worth exploring?

I don't want to mislead my T and complicate things by bringing this issue to the table if it's not relevant.

I almost feel a fraud for feeling the way that I do, because the fact that I THINK that I may have been abused is not the issue, the issue is I FEEL as if I have been. I feel sick and disgusted and dizzy at the fact that people I trusted may have violated and controlled my little body in such a way. Words can not do this feeling justice. I feel like a part of me has been tarnished and tainted and I don't no how to fix it and make myself perfect.

I'm terrified about bringing it up at therapy because then she'll want to explore it, or assume that I want to. I don't no if I do. Can you heal from this without memories, or explicit exploration? I suppose regardless of abuse or not, I have a very unhealthy relationship with my sense of self and at the very least I should try and address that.

Any advice, guidance, anything would be really really appreciated. Thank you for reading.