Right after shutting the computer down, had to come back and totally re-write. I'm kidding myself.

Truth is, I feel like s***. There's been stuff that's consuming me, I feel helpless about it, even though I keep trying like hell. Except that's hard, not knowing what the heck it is that I'm supposed to be doing(!) Or not doing. What will make it better? Or would that make it worse? I'd just like to see some concrete signs of hope. Nothing forthcoming but rare fleeting glimpse-lets is making it really hard to hold on to hope. And really hard to hide just how badly it is destroying me inside. One thing is for sure. Showing makes it worse. My best guess is that the exact opposite has the best shot.

I can stuff things down and cover with the best of 'em. But it's getting incredibly hard to not show it (and really, it's impossible. It's showing, but wildly minimized from how it feels inside). So…. pulling off the total opposite is…. well, I don't know how to describe it, but somehow, I've got to do it.