I guess for me part of it is I hope to find ways to distract myself or alleviate the misery/pain I feel..as I would prefer not to off myself as I think that would be very unpleasant but I feel like I only have so much time before the mental pain I feel gets to overwhelming and I just can't take it and resort to suicide. trying to enjoy life, hoping something give it some meaning or something otherwise I don't know how much longer I will want to endure it.