I am feeling so confused and unsure how one is to know if what you feel is really okay or not. Seems having feelings is wrong, being depressed, feeling sad and lost, all must be hidden so not to affect anyone else. And it is hard when that is how and what you feel.

It seems others can feel the way they want to and there is an excuse or reason it is okay, they are accepted and loved for who they are. No making them feel what they feel is wrong, or that they shouldn't feel what they feel. They don't seem to be too much or bad for what they cannot help feeling.

Having a mental illness is something most if not all did to themselves or asked for, and when you have been abused and hurt, it doesn't just go away and sometimes can take years to work through. It is hard to just turn off what one feels, and I too have a mental illness and I am working hard trying to heal from it all. But I feel I am failing and too much for anyone to be around.

People used to make me feel I had to be happy and being depressed, fearful, lost, etc. was not okay. They would put me down and make me feel I was all wrong. My self-esteem was non-existent. The way I felt was not important and needed to not exist if I was to be cared about or accepted.

I have always had to paint on a mask so no one would know how I felt or what I was going through. I only allowed myself to feel how I really felt in the darkness of the night, behind closed windows, blinds, and only a kerosene lamp so that I could dim it and no one would know I was up. I would write by this lamp, hide it away during the daylight so no one would know what I wrote. And so I would not get in trouble or my writings taken and told they were wrong and of the devil.

I have painted on a mask for so long trying to be what everyone else wanted/wants me to be knowing that I was all wrong, and that I was to forget the past and let it go and give it to God. But it is not that easy and what happened to me throughout my life does not just go away and I cannot just let it go, give it to God, forget, or pretend I am okay. I am not.

But again, I am feeling I have to paint on a mask, be okay for everyone else, and hide away what I feel. I often cry late into the night only then allowing what is within to come out before daylight comes and I hide it all away again to the best that I can. Trying hard to not be depressed or show the struggle I deal with that is tearing me apart.

I know I am too much, and that I am failing to hide it, but I am trying so hard. But how does one pretend to be okay when they are not? How does one tuck it all away by light of day? Why am I all wrong? Why can't I just be good and do what others want? I've always tried to be good and somehow fail, or feel a failure to everyone.

Unconditional love does not want someone who is bad. I am in my 50's and again I am feeling so small and bad. Do we ever stop feeling that way? Is there really unconditional love for someone like me? Am I so bad that there is no one that can really love and care, or who can understand I didn't do this to myself but now have to deal with all that has happened?

I cannot even let my own children know I am not okay or that I am still in therapy. That is a no no and unacceptable. Is there no one in the world that understands that what happened to me is the reason I am feeling the way I do, and I am working hard to heal? And that I can't help it?

The damage my life caused me is now causing damage for everyone else, because of me and what I am now going through. Is life really worth it? Will I ever be accepted for me and not for who people think I should be? Or want me to be? I am trying but I feel there are expectations I have to meet to be accepted. Expectations I cannot meet at least not right now.

So for now I will just hide the way I feel beneath the mask I know so well, and only allow my real feelings to expose themselves in the darkness of the night where everything else seems to expose itself in terrifying ways. Maybe then I won't be bad.

I'm so confused and unsure what I am supposed to be, and the biggest problem is, this is me and I am trying the best I can. But will it ever be good enough? Will I ever be good enough?

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