This is a very complicated situation you are in. Conflicting feelings are normal in this type of situation. You are only human and we have adapted to think of ourselves more than others. It is of course horrible that your sponsors daughter has committed suicide. I know a lot about suicide as 3 of my childhood friends had committed suicide and i have had very difficult conversations with friends and family as to why they should not just kill theirselves also. Drink is usually the common attribute to most suicides so i advise that stay away from alcohol as much as you can and try to be among sober people with positive attitudes towards life. I've learnt that being with the right people can profoundly change your attitudes towards behaviours or addictions (alcoholism for example). As i also have a bit of a drinking problem i hope you can get out of the rout as its nothin but a downward spiral into a pitt of dispair. Good luck in the life change.