I hope this makes sense as I'm going on very little sleep and am on my phone.
I remember trying so hard to be good. I was a bit younger so it involved trying to do as I was told by my parents and doing well at school and doing well at art. I was doing my absolute best. I was depressed and had untreated ADD but I was working as hard as I could. I felt that I was making progress! Then someone said something like "Why can't you just do things right!?" I was crushed. I realized that my best really wasn't all that great at that time. I quit everything and holed myself up for months. I wish I understood my illness and difficulties. I wish someone said I needed to have compassion on myself. I wish I knew that trying to deal with depression is like trying to run with a bad leg. Some people can hide that but sometimes no matter what you can't hide it. You end up running in a very lopsided way and can't go fast or you might fall. It's hard. But here's the thing. No one blames a person with a bad leg if they fall. People realize and understand that there are limitations. They might encourage the runner and help them and root for them.
Sadly, Mental illness is not as understood by others. It's still stigmatized. We're getting better but we still have a long way to go. And then we internalize what they say and how they react or even how we think they will react. And then we beat ourselves up. Compound that with just having depression to start with. That's like hitting a bad leg. Thing is, you ARE worth a lot. You are worthy of love. Unconditional love is just that - love with no strings attached. It's hard when we're depressed, but try to be compassionate to yourself. It's harder to do certain things with depression. That's just the way it is. Depression feeds lies that are hard to ignore into our mind that we are unworthy. But it is a lie. It's the depression talking. this is a hard battle you face. It's very hard. Very few people can even begin to understand what it's like to have it and even then, what you deal with is unique to you.
Well, maybe you know all this and I'm just preaching to the choir. I just want to encourage you in the end. I want to say something that will help. But i know that no matter what I say it'll still be really hard. And sometimes I'm not so good at being encouraging. I guess I just want to give you a big hug.