Well, it is 6 weeks later. I have postponed the surgery, with mixed feelings. I feel I have made a choice that protects myself at the expense of looking after what is best for she and I as a unit.

The thing is, I don't think she is going to remain my spouse, no matter what I do. When she is in a low point of depression, or experiencing extreme anxiety about something, she immediately moves right back (emotionally) to where we were in our marriage during our lowest points. It is hard not to become self-protecting in the face of that. But, by being self protective, I keep a barrier up that keeps us from becoming the strong, well connected couple I want us to become. I'm trying to remain open, with barriers down.

She told me outright last month that everything I have done to support her in her work, in her illnesses, in her depression, in looking after our family completely on my own for long stretches, for working with her through her anxiety and depression, that none of it matters because she doesn't trust me and doesn't believe I am committed to her.

She told me, I know you will always be there, you will always support us, you will always work for us, you will always support me during my difficult times, you'll always step up and look after the kids no matter what, I know that you'll always come back after a fight to make things better, and that I can call on you anytime I am sick, but I'll never trust that you are only mine.

I was a porn user. Nothing else matters.

****** it. It gets hard to be hopeful for the future in the face of this. And in the meantime, since she is remaining so guarded, I am not getting much out of this relationship.

I can't explain how tired I am.

RDM